Forecast for the Future

"Every individual without exception bears a potential writer within himself. The reason is that everyone has trouble accepting the fact that he will disappear unheard of and unnoticed in an indifferent universe, and everyone wants to make himself into a universe of words before it's too late. 

Once the writer in every individual comes to life (and that time is not that far off), we are in for an age of universal deafness and lack of understanding."

- Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Week 11, Day 2: As my body laughs, Pt 2

After this morning's early wake up, I was thankfully able to fall back to sleep (though not right away) and stayed asleep for a little bit longer this morning. The thought of going to bed at 10 pm again last night seemed a bit distressing, but Doorknobs played Fascist Hardass by barking and glaring at me until I was sheparded into my room to sleep, noting that I'd cheated last night anyway by going to bed at 10:40 (and, admittedly, not actually attempting to fall asleep until 10 minutes later when he tore my guitar from my hands).

The official Night 2 (Monday Night) Sleep Report
--Went to bed: 10:14 pm
--Sleep music: Crying mix, 2003
--Fell asleep: approx. 10:43 pm
--First wake-up: 2:09 am
--Subsequent wake-ups: 4:12 am, 4:49 am, 5:51 am, 6:38 am, 6:44 am (alarm)
--Out of bed/wide-awake: 6:46 am
--Total sleep period (counting brief wake-ups): 8 hrs, 3 min

The positives of last night's sleep were that I stayed asleep longer before waking up for the first time, and, most importantly, I only woke up four more times after that before getting out of bed (as compared to Sunday night's horrifying eleven pre-GetUp wake-ups). Which means that my sleep was less interrupted and therefore more solid and, hopefully, regenerative.

On the other hand, upon waking up that first time at 2:09, my bed was covered in sweat and I got up to go the bathroom and when I came out a minute later, the realization hit me that I was completely awake and could have started a proverbial day. Which is kind of like, Umm, what the fuck?!?! What is wrong with me that my body's like, "Oh cool, gotcha, 3.5 hrs of sleep, so it's time to get up now, yes?" I guess I could respect the fact that I've turned my body into a fine-tuned machine able to operate on the sleep equivalent of banana peels and vegetable oil, but after twenty-five years of ill-rest, I think I'm less satisfied with this "triumph" than I have been in the past. My goal now is to find out if life has something else to offer a calmer, more rested version of me.

Unofficial Post-Sleep Day 1 (Monday) Daytime Report
If I had to offer a quick day-after analysis, I would suggest that Sunday night's sleep showed immediate outcomes in terms of my general wakefulness yesterday. For the first time in a non-busy workday while, at no point during the day yesterday did I suddenly feel overcome with exhaustion verging on sleep-collapse. This was both nice and depressing, as I feel guilty nearly falling asleep at work; though on the other hand, being alert only made me more acutely aware of my boredom and general disinterest in my job. I suppose, though, were I to have a different job, this might only be a positive, so I will hold onto that one. I'm curious to see how things will feel by Friday morning.

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